Survivors' Meal
by Tallulah Grammar Songstress
Summary: Four short ficlets. Those left behind after the death of Kira eat together and try to rebuild their lives.


(A/N: series of ficlets written for 12daysChristmas on LiveJournal, prompt "family meals". Set post-canon.

Mealtimes are always the most difficult. Misa's always found that; after Mum and Dad were killed she felt it worst when she was making herself a sandwich, or buying cake in cafes, or sitting at the table daintily eating from a cardboard takeaway box. The reminder that she would never have anyone to eat with again, that her life had become her at an empty table, always made her throat tighten and she pretty much gave up cooking because it never tasted the same as her mother's food.

Even when she was living with Raito, they hardly ever ate together. Misa would put together something for her to eat, loudly, in the kitchen, humming and making sure she always wore a short skirt, just to see the task force blush and look uncomfortable and hear Raito tell her to keep the noise down. She would smile at him and say she was _really_ sorry, she would of course normally do her best not to interrupt their important work but she was just _so_hungry... Matsuda would always chime in at that point and say it was fine and he was pretty hungry too. Misa knew she could always rely on him to back her up, and the flicker of irritation in Raito's eyes made it worth it.

Now, of course, she's back to eating alone, except when Sachiko Yagami invites her round for dinner. Misa's pretty sure Raito's mother used not to like her much, thought she wasn't good enough for the perfect son. She didn't mind, because awkwardness with your mother-in-law is par for the course and it made her feel normal. Now Sachiko seems pleased to see her, likes to make sure she's eating, chats with her about household things. Misa tries to tell herself she is lucky to have people to eat with, even if one of them is a woman who only likes her out of grief and one of them a girl who still suffers from agoraphobia and one of them usually Matsuda, who either talks too much or not at all and keeps looking at Misa like he feels so desperately sorry for her. She is lucky to have a family, to have come through all this and not be alone. But she doesn't feel lucky. She is settling for second-rate because she had a chance for perfection and ruined it, and this mockery of a family mealtime makes that very clear.

ooo

Mealtimes are always the most difficult. Sayu always kind of didn't like how meals were supposed to be such a warm and lovely time. It was obvious no one believed it: Dad was hardly ever there and when he was she always had this urge to say something really dumb or giggle too much; Raito slunk off to do his homework as soon as it wasn't _obviously_ rude; and when Mum said _just you and me, Sayu!_like it was a poor second, Sayu felt her stomach squirming and then usually got her own back by moaning about having to help with the washing-up.

And then as time went on Dad was _never_ there for family meals and Raito was hardly ever there, full stop. And when he was, he was with Misa, and Misa always acted like this was _her_ family meal, like she was the heroine, and no matter how nice Sayu tried to be, there was always this little voice going on about how much more time Misa got to spend with Raito than anyone else did. And of course Misa was always so dressed up, so pretty, and when they'd first met Sayu had thought she was the prettiest person ever but now she just felt plain and boring next to Misa and so she was bitter, _who dresses up like that just for a family dinner?_Sometimes Mum made comments about Misa, when it was just the two of them again, and Sayu felt old and spiteful because she found herself agreeing.

Now, of course, Misa doesn't have Raito either. When it's just Mum and Sayu, they don't tend to cook much - when Sayu was ill she hardly ate at all, usually just crackers or fruit that Mum left out for her and she managed to eat while pretending it didn't count - but sometimes Mum will feel like she's got to be a good housewife and invite Misa over. Misa's quieter and either she's ridiculously dressed up even for her, in frilled gothic lolita clothes that make her look like a doll from a museum, or she's in a stained T-shirt and jeans with unwashed hair. Sayu doesn't know how Mum feels about this, but she quite likes it. It's comforting to see someone else falling to pieces, even if Misa can still go out of the house and doesn't need to have a wheelchair kept on standby in case she has a catatonic fit. Mum sometimes invites Matsuda over as well. _Maybe she kids herself he's going to be my boyfriend_, Sayu thinks to herself. She knows that won't happen. Oh, Matsuda would happily deal with a wife who cried for no reason and can't go further than a block away because of the panic attacks. He was always kind to her even when she was really ill, talking to her, bringing her small silly gifts to see if he could make her smile. But now he acts like he doesn't want to talk to her because he's scared of what he'll say. Like he's so desperately trying to be normal when he knows the world is burning down around them. _Go on_, she wants to say, sometimes, laying down her chopsticks and looking him in the face, _say it. We all know how awful this is._But she doesn't, of course. You need to keep some rituals going, pretend things are still normal; or, build rituals round the lack of normality until it becomes commonplace. Family mealtimes are just part of keeping going.

ooo

Mealtimes are always the most difficult. Matsuda didn't mind them if he was on his own - he likes food, after all - but if it was all four of them, him and his brother and Mum and Dad, then Dad always figured this would be a great time to assess both his sons and compare them and he always, always asked about that test you'd failed just when your mouth was full. And then when that conversation had finished the atmosphere was awkward enough that you couldn't enjoy eating any more, so you'd just wolf it down and then make like you had a burning need to do more studying. Actually Matsuda worked out the way to deal with it was to start goofing around as soon as the food was on the table. That would hopefully use up enough time, as you got called on for acting like a five-year-old, that the questions had to be squashed in at the very end.

Eating with the Yagamis was completely different. Of course Matsuda wasn't going to act like an idiot in front of the Chief, but he didn't need to. Everyone chatted politely and asked each other what things had gone well and the Chief was so proud of his family it felt like he was proud of you too just because you were sitting at the same table. Matsuda tried not to make it too obvious how much he liked being asked for dinner, because it would probably make him look like he had no life, but every mealtime there felt like it cancelled out another one of the awkward table conversations of his childhood. Even when it was just Raito and Misa in their apartment and Misa was only making food for herself, it still felt like he was part of something safe and kind.

Now, of course, everything is different. Matsuda accepts Sachiko Yagami's invitations because he can't not, she's lost so much, but now it's just like when he was a kid, sitting there trying to swallow and make polite conversation when something awful you've done is burning a hole in your chest. Of course none of them know to ask, but that makes it worse, that means he's never going to get called out on it. He sits and eats and tries not to drink too much and tries not to see the photographs of Raito that are still up everywhere. He is protecting them, he tells himself, protecting them from the truth, he's being brave, he's keeping the burden for himself. Sometimes he is furious at having to, he wants to know why they should still get to believe the comforting lie that Raito was good and kind and perfect, but then he sees how drained and tired all of them look and he hates himself for wanting to hurt them more. The mealtimes he used to have here, with the laughter and friendliness, mock him now, and when he compares them to what's left he wonders how he could ever have thought those were real.

ooo

Mealtimes are always the most difficult. Sachiko understood from the beginning that Soichiro was always going to be committed to his work, that no matter how nice she tried to make their home there would always be something pulling him away from it, but it was still difficult not to feel resentful when she realised he hadn't eaten with them for getting on for a fortnight. It was unfortunate that his work on the Kira case coincided with the children really starting to grow up; Raito often seeming embarrassed by still having anything as mundane as a mother and family mealtimes, and Sayu trying on different attitudes out of curiosity, each one seeming to involve eye-rolling and some kind of opinion on why she shouldn't be eating this or that food. Sachiko wanted to point out to them that they were both still happy enough to eat her cooking and if it was such an effort then that was fine with her, they could make their own - but then that always led onto thoughts like, _your father has certainly made his choice_ or _I obviously brought you up to be spoilt_and the realisation that this wasn't really about anything they'd done.

And then Raito moved out and more or less disappeared apart from the odd visit with Misa, who Sachiko tried really, really hard to like but couldn't help feeling was the kind of person for whom everything was a pretense. When she sat at their table and complimented Sachiko on the food, it was like a child playing with dolls and making herself guest of honour at the tea party. But that was something Sachiko could cope with - you couldn't choose your child's partner, after all. Whereas what happened to Sayu -

Now, of course, Sayu is a lot better, and comes to the table and eats her food almost as normal; and when she doesn't, Sachiko tries to be understanding, knows that it's something in her daughter's head stopping her, tries not to be angry. Usually, she isn't angry with Sayu, who is visibly upset after she's had one of her bad days and clings on to Sachiko and calls her _Mummy_ like she's five again. And if she is angry with Soichiro, for pouring his life into a task he knew would kill him and evidently dragging his son down the same way, well, that doesn't matter, does it? You can be angry with the dead all you want. But she grows tired of being angry, and that's why she invites Misa to visit, and, sometimes, Matsuda - to remind herself that in the end, you can't stay angry. There will be people around, and you need to put food on the table for them.


End file.
